Here is a letter from a reader that, I think, a lot of people may identify with.

Dear Beerperson:

I have a confession to make... I'm, well, almost a little ashamed to say this, and really, quite embarrassed.

You see... okay. I guess I should just say it... I'm, uh, I'm inexperienced. Beer-inexperienced.

I can count, on one hand, the number/type of beer/lager/ale I've tried. Four. Corona, Bud light (which I took a gulp of and then set aside), a bitter red lager, and Rolling Rock.

I'm not sure why I've been steered away from those alcoholic beverages. I'll drink some hard liquor like it's nothing. Whisky, vodka, rum, what have you.

I want to change that.

So that's why I'm coming to you. I need an expert's opinion. Or, at least, a nudge in the right direction. My problem is, I don't like bitter drinks, and all the beer I've ever had placed in front of me has been bitter. I can stand bitter in a shot glass, but if I'm going to be nursing a bottle, looking hip and chic and scenester, I want something I can stand.

I'm not really particular. I just want to learn. I'm not against going out and trying all kinds of different drinks, I'd just rather narrow my selection down first. Kind of fond of what money I have, you know?

So. Well. Yes. If it's not too much, could you, possibly, give me a beginners list of what to try?

Thank you,

Crayon

Dear Crayon:

Maybe you just don't like beer. It doesn't make you a bad person. I think you're hip and wonderful even with a glass of ginger ale on the rocks in front of you. So there.

The biggest problem with beer, overall, is that the best ones do have a bitter kind of finish, and if you don't like bitter at all, you're probably better off not drinking beer. However, you can't sit there with a bottle of Jack Daniels in front of you all night. And if you want to learn to appreciate beer, even if only for its street cred, well, I'm here to help if I can.

For a quick fix, in a bar that only has maybe three beers and they're all domestic, request a wedge of lemon or lime, and squeeze it into the top of the bottle. Get all the juice in there, and drop the used wedge into the bottle after it. You can practice this at home ahead of time, and it's just as easy (and less pricy) to practice with soda if you prefer. If you go gradually, pressing the rind against the inside of the lip of the bottle, moving it downward as the pulp compresses, with your other hand cupped around it, you should be able to do this rather impressively and not squirt anyone with stray citrus.

You should perfect one of the following responses in case someone looks at you oddly, or asks "Why are you doing that?" Practice them in front of a mirror before you go out.

1. The LOOK. You must be able to have the courage of your convictions. The LOOK is designed specifically to let the questioner know that you're not crazy, and that you might know a little bit more about the subject than the questioner. It's not meant to be condescending or patronizing. The best way to master the LOOK is to envision yourself accompanying it with the words, "Please. Trust me," without actually uttering a sound. The LOOK is the most effective response, especially in a very loud establishment.
2. If you can't master the LOOK, you will need to say something. What you say will depend on what message you want to put across. To be polite, what you must say is, "It prevents scurvy," or, "My doctor said I need more Vitamin C." Either of these statements should be accompanied by a grin.
3. If you want to be rude, especially if the questioner picked the bar, you should say, "I had to do something." The look that goes with this is not unlike the look on Michael McKeon's face in Clue when he slaps Eileen Brennan and says, "Well, I had to stop her from screaming ..."
4. If you want to be pretentious, say, "This beer is lacking in the proper flavor and I'm adding a touch of acidity to balance it." The look that goes with this is the look you get when someone near you smells bad but you don't want to hurt his or her feelings.

When you have more options, you can skip the citrus and keep the following in mind.

The higher the alcohol content, the sweeter the beer. That is the rule of thumb.

The lower the alcohol content, the more watery the beer, in general. It won't be as bitter, because it won't have much flavor at all. But you have to pay the same price for it, and it'll take more of it to give you a buzz, and you'll have to pee All Night.

Do you drink coffee? If you do, and you like it, I'm going to recommend Guinness to you. It's got an almost creamy mouthfeel and tastes a very little bit like unsweetened coffee. It's also pretty readily available in many bars.

If you're south of the Mason-Dixon line, you could try Shiner Bock. It's still a little bitter, but I like it and I can't get it where I live, so I try to tell people who have access to take advantage of it whenever possible.

If a bar has some more obscure brands, see if they have some Magic Hat #9 or something similar. It has a slightly higher alcohol content and some apricot essence in it. It doesn't taste like apricot, just so you know — it tastes like a light beer that reminds you a little of apricot. But it's slightly less bitter.

Imports are generally higher in alcohol than domestics. Bocks, especially Doppelbocks and Tripelbocks, are almost as good as drinking whisky. If you can get Belgian beer at the bars you frequent, go for it. If you can get Unibrew Canadian beers, try La Fin du Monde — it's one of the least bitter beers I've ever tasted. It's also 9% alcohol, so, less than a glass of wine, but about double a domestic beer.

In bigger bars, where there are microbrews available, you can generally say to the bartender or server, "What do you have that's not too hoppy?" (The more hops in a finished beer, the more of the dry/bitter finish there will be.) In a bar with lots of beer options, they should be knowledgable enough to point you in the right direction. If they're not, I make sure I tell people. Someone will say, "What kind of beer should I order if I go to X Bar?" and I'll say, "I went there last week. I drank soda." And that should clear THAT up.